Long time no see

Well, it has been a loooonnnngggg time again since I was on here. Wanted to catch everyone up on what has been going on around here. I have not been able to get to church because of life in general an the things going on. I feel that God understands and that is all that matters. So on to what is going on.
1. As most know I was diagnosed with cancer in May of this year. After a few days of waiting it was found that they did get all of it and I only have to be monitored every 3 months for now.
2. After this wonderful piece of news that they got it all I decided to get off my rear and move forward with life. So I got a job. I work at AT&T and so far I love it. Not to sure about the hours but we will work through that as well.
3. Good but not so good news. I am wanting to have the lap band done but since I went of my medication for bi-polar they won't do it until I go back on. So I have to go back to them and get back on my meds. I am not happy with that idea at all because I was so doped up on the medication. I am going to put my foot down and tell them I don't want on so much that I can't function the way I was before. I just want something mild to help me get through this life changing decision I have made. I was always tired, never wanted to get out of bed, and I can't do that and work too.

So that is most of life in a nut shell right now. God Bless

Here we go again. It has been a while

I thought I was over with this sickness, well I was/am the pnemoinia (sp)but then I got this nice cough, head congestion, blah feeling. It got to the point I had to go to the hospital Sunday night to be told that I am not managing my asthma very well. That doctor made me feel like I was there only for drugs. That wasn't the case I only wanted to feel better which I didn't and don't. I am yet stumped at the fact that I was running a 102.6 fever and they only want to say it is asthma.

This couldn't come at a worse time in my life because I began EMT classes last week on Tuesday and right off the bat I have to learn how to trace a drop of blood, and the bones in the body. Why do I need to know if you broke your mandible. Layman you screwed up your bottom jaw doesnt' that suck. The majority of the people in the world if you say mandible they are going to look at you like they are going to die.

Then today which is the wonderful day we are suppose to go to class it has ice EVERYWHERE I did get out in it the roads are not bad the driveway sucks. Walking on it is like ice skating. Have never done it but I can tell you I won't pay to go to a arena and bust my butt.

Well, anyway I have to write a book or it seems for the commissioners office to submit tomorrow at the 4 pm meeting. So off to searching.

I couldn't go to church Sunday and I hope to be able to get back there again. So until then off to study and write my book of "how can someone not understand"

I'M BACK

I am back. My laptop is up running and I am loving it. I never knew how much I missed this thing until it was gone.

Anyway some things in my life has really made a turn around. The medication is good but I am praying every day I don't have a lapse backwards.

I am getting things organized a little bit better and that is helping my mind as well. I have been helping my friend with her aunt and uncle so my house work since it wasn't bad enough before it really isn't getting done. I have to take the time and get this house straight because starting Feb 5 I am going to be busy until June because I was given an offer I couldn't refuse. Since I have been helping with the Ohio Township Fire Department I was given a spot for free in the EMT class. I have been through it before but chickened out because I don't like being around or doing things around other people I don't know. I think it is part of that anxiety disorder. I am still going to try and get my social security and I pray everyday that this is accomplished and maybe I can do something with my training to help others. Who knows maybe the church once I prove I am serious will find something for me to do to help others. I love helping others but I hate to see it if I am not in control of a situation I get really nervous. She is also going to let me do a CPR class so I can get my instructors license with American Heart.

My sewing machine is still with the doctor, I haven't heard anything about it don't know if no news is good news or if I should be scared to find out how much that is going to cost me.

I am wanting to lose weight but not having much luck with that but if God wants me to he will lead me in the right direction.

I had something else to write about but my mind just went totally blank. That is a problem with this disease because I get so overwelmed I lose track of what I am thinking in a heart beat.

I have been using the corkboard that Perri had on her blog one day just want to say THANKS PERRI I LOVE IT

Well I will get off her since I can't remember a darn thing I was going to write.

Been Lost

It has been a long time since I have posted life has been kind of busy here. I am on a new medication and it is kind of working better still want to sleep a lot but I am trying to get better at this. I have my nights and days mixed up BADLY like right now I have so much energy I could jump off the roof about 100 times. OKAY that may be a little over board but you get the point. John is working 12 hour shifts now so I can't do much at night because it might disturb the baby you know the 58 year old baby.
I have been helping a dear friend of mine with elderly aunt and uncle that is living with her and her husband. She has 2 small children and her husband is getting ready to go to Louisiana to work. YEA me I know I will get many phone calls in that process.

I have told her that no matter what I have to take a couple of hours and I think I have her talked into it for Sundays to go to church with me.

We need the money right now but I still can't do too much because of anxiety attacks so I am trying to do this to help out.

This hasn't been my week for things to continue to work either my laptop had to be sent off this afternoon for repair (never realized how much I missed it), and my embroidery machine had to be sent off as well or it was going to meet the next semi going down the highway because it was totally ticking me off. Hopefully everything will come back in working order and help me not get mad and take a sledge hammer to it. Not to mention I have a dump truck load of things I have to get done for the fire department, and the website I am doing for the baby boutique.

I did it

Yesterday I went to church nervous as could be but it had to be done for ME!!! Well, nobody thought to tell me that the service would knock me right upside the head. I couldn't believe it. I have been to other churchs in my lifetime to be honest my uncle is a babtist preacher and I can honestly say I have NEVER seen anyone have a connection with God to know his congregation as I see with Pastor Aaron. It is just amazing, during his prayer's he seemed to always be talking about me, I have to admit I peaked when he told us to close our eyes and bow our heads while he prayed and if we needed "fixed" raise our hands. I was doing as he asked but I notice he kept saying this so I looked around to see if no one was doing this or what. Well, some were but I had this voice that said "do it we won't bite" So I did and the pastor stopped asking for this. WOW

At the end of the prayer he said anyone that raised their hands to meet him on the left of the church. Normally I would have left and not done this but again that voice was there "Go we won't bite" I was actually the first one up there Pastor Aaron later said something that seemed very odd to me. He said that he knew that I have been struggling with this for some time. That seemed odd to me because I honestly believed that I wasn't struggling with "God" and my belief but with my life in general, what has happened to me, my marriage and my husband not wanting to go to church with me or our marriage not seeming like a marriage, my illness and how to accept it and not make it a label thing.

I am going to be honest I am going to take a break from writing this I keep my mind on track anymore

BEAUTIFUL

TURN UP THE VOLUME:

Fear

For the last 5 weeks I have wanted to go back to LHC but to be honest with you I am scared to death. I don't mean a little sick I mean the full blown thing Headache, sick to my stomach, weak, can't catch my breath, chest hurt, just down right BLAH. I have no idea why, I talked to my therapist about this she told me that she honestly thinks I am having an anxiety attack about going into someplace that I am not sure if I am welcomed. Now to the reason I feel this way I had sent out an email to help keep our fire departments the way that they are, after that email I was taking off the church's email list. I don't know if this has any link to it or not. When I see Pastor Aron he is as nice as can be but my heart feels like it is going to pound out of my chest I get so nervous and have no idea why.

I pray daily about this, take my medication, and I still can't get over this fear. I think I am going to try again Sunday if I can get my nerve up and go. I just hope my back seat is not taken because I will have to have A LOT of power to go any further.